HERE'S WHY COUNTRY SUCKS:
1) IT'S GENERIC
Try this experiment: turn on TNN or CMT at any time, day or night, and, this is the hard part, watch a few videos. Now, try to listen to just the music, not the singing. If your TV has an anti-nasal twang switch, turn it on. You should notice how the music in all the songs sounds exactly alike. Coincidence? No. This generic sound is all part of the next reason:
2) IT'S FORMULA. NO ORIGINALITY ALLOWED!
Most country songs follow one of two formulas: the "fast" song and the "slow" song.
The fast song is usually a gimmick song (Pick-up Man, Achy-Breaky, etc), or a song relating how much of a "common man" the singer is (Cowboy Love, I Got it Honest, etc.). The song has a main riff, played on a Fender Telecaster - the ",official" country guitar- and a solo section made up of guitar, violin (sorry- fiddle), piano or steel guitar (pick 2 or 3 instruments).
The slow song usually doesn't have a main riff, just violins and melodrama. The slow song usually deals with love or loss or romance, and it usually contains more sap than the whole state of Vermont. It is during the slow songs that the artist tries to show off his/her vocal ability, and it is at this point that one should make use of the volume knob or mute button.
The videos, like the songs, rarely stray from the formula. Here's a fun game: watch "the Big 80's" on VH1. Now, pretend that the people are all wearing cowboy gear and singing about their pickups. Voila! It's TNN!
A country video has several props:
-big hats... worn by either the singer or the singer's love interest. Worn low over the eyes so that all looks will have full dramatic effect
-acoustic guitars...to be played or just held, the acoustic guitar gives the impression that "I'm not just a singer, I'm a musician."
-people dancing alike...'nuff said
Country videos are fun to watch for two reasons:
...They take themselves SO seriously. How could you doubt a country singer's sincerity? See how they look sideways at the camera from underneath their hats...look at their serious expressions and dramatic hand gestures that convey the true, deep emotions that they are truly, deeply feeling.
...They are really, truly BAD...Mystery Science Theater 3000 should dedicate an episode to country videos. Outdated video techniques, cheesy "acting", and bad songs make for a deadly, but humorous, combination.
The next reason country sucks is:
3) OUTSIDE SONGWRITERS/MUSICIANS
If we had to guess, we would say that 80-90% of country songs are neither written nor played by the artist whose name is on the song. Country music is a product, and sometimes you have to wonder if the artist realizes this.
And that's why country SUCKS.
Here's another fun thing to do: Substitute the words "top 40" for the word "country" in the previous rant, and, except for the video techniques and props, the argument still holds up.
OK, so if country sucks, why is it so popular? Well, we here at the Pointless Page have the simple answer to that question: Country music is popular because it's safe. It will never surprise you and there is never any thought involved. No deeper meaning, no heavy issues, no screaming distorted guitars. Just lovin' and drinkin' and pickups.
1) GARTH BROOKS
...lighten up, Garth...if he's not scowling seriously, he's running around like he was in Grand Funk Railroad...
2) BROOKS or DUNN
...would somebody please tell this guy (Brooks? Dunn?) that he's not in Whitesnake...
3) BILLY RAY CYRUS
4) REBA McENTIRE
...her ego far outweighs any minimal talent she might have...and her hair is bigger than Fran Drescher's...
1) DWIGHT YOAKUM
.....great songs, and Pete Anderson is a monster...
2) The MAVERICKS
...they should stop listening to their record company and make the album that they are capable of making...
3) JUNIOR BROWN
...a sense of humor and jaw-dropping guitar playing...
4) LYLE LOVETT
...is he still classified as country?...