Last Updated June 25, 1996
LED ZEPPLIN:"Stairway to Heaven"
...it may have been groundbreaking when it was first released, now it's just (yawn...excuse me) boring...and overblown. The only thing bigger than Bob Plant's ego is...um...I'll get back to you on that
SAMPLE BRILLIANT LYRIC (SBL):"to be a rock, and not to roll"
LYNRYD SKYNYRD: "Freebird"
...am I the only one who wishes for a massive head wound every time I hear this song? Rednecks should not try to write "purty" songs...especially if they're planning a guitar wank-a-thon at the end of said song
SBL;"lord knows I can't cha-a-a-a-a-a-ange"
GUESS WHO:"American woman"
...yeah. Like an American woman would go anywhere near these idiots...
SBL:"I say A-M-E-R-I-C-A-N"
BTO: "Takin' Care of Business"
...proof that you didn't need skill, talent or production values for a career in music, long before punk rock made it fasionable...
SBL:"it's as easy as fishin'/ you could be a musician"
FREE "All Right Now"
...stupid, cliched lyrics, stupid bass "solo", just a stupid, stupid song
SBL:"let's move before they raise the parking rate..."
LOVERBOY:"Turn Me Loose"
...yes, it's stupid, but worse than that, it's boring! If there is any justice in the universe, these guys are sharing an apartment with Poison right now...
SBL:"I was born to please/ I'm even on my knees/ makin' love to whoever I please"
GEORGE THOROGOOD: "Bad to the Bone"
...the king of the cheese-whiz guitar tone...here's a hint, George: never follow a good sax solo with a really (REALLY) crappy guitar solo...
BAD COMPANY:"Shooting Star"
...does anybody else cheer when Johnny dies? Possibly the worst guitar solo ever recorded...it may have feeling, but if you don't have skill, much less a tuned guitar, this is the kind of crap that you'll spew forth
SBL:"na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na"
TOM COCHRAN: "Life is a Highway"
...whiny crappy vocals coupled with worse-than-Bob Dylan-inhale-exhale harmonica
AEROSMITH: "Janie's Got a Gun" (or AmazingCryingCrazy... that is one song, isn't it?)
...they lost any edge that they had when they quit doing drugs (this does not in any way, shape or form condone taking drugs, it's just a joke...but you have to admit, they suck since they got sober)
BILLY IDOL: "Mony Mony"
...the only thing more irritating than this song is the stupid "hey...get laid get fucked" sing-along that invariably accompanies it...
SOUTHERN CULTURE ON THE SKIDS: "Camelwalk"
...it was funny once or twice, now it's like an ice pick to the temple...
VAN HALEN: "Can't Stop Loving You"
...Eddie's lowest moment...Hey, Ed, a good pop song doesn't have to be lame...remember when Van Halen had cool background vocals?...